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When baby boomers rocked the halls of academe, most of our parents
were able to find a viable plan for paying tuition, room, and board.
Others took out loans which did not relegate them to a diet of
unsalted Saltines for 30 years, or force them to consider illegal
trafficking in body parts or other organic products. Some of us
were able to save enough money to pay tuition ourselves by enduring
summer jobs and campus work-study assignments with uncharacteristic
diligence. The phrase "working one's way through college" was not
yet marked with the asterisk reserved by lexicographers for obsolete
usage. But in 1969, tuition, room and board at one of the country's
most expensive colleges came to about five thousand dollars a year.
Though a daunting figure to middle and lower class families, most
believed that education was a worthwhile investment, and baby
boomers filled establishments of higher learning in unprecedented
numbers.
Though the cohort of boomers was numerically larger than numbers of
children born in similar groupings today, a greater percentage of
boomer children and grandchildren seek higher education after high
school. We, their parents and grandparents, feel obligated to fund
a college education that is predicted to cost about $200,000 for a
student graduating from a private university in the year 2005. The
possibility of earning such a sum in summer jobs and part-time
employment on campus would suggest that students wait until they are
85 years old to matriculate. By saving everything they earn at
Dairy Queen or Girl Scout Camp, and cutting down on social
expenditures, there should definitely be enough in the college
account for each octogenarian to fund a year or two without loans.
The sad part about this arrangement is that few students will be
lucky enough to have their parents attend graduation.
I was pondering this predicament as my youngest child, a high school
senior, pored over a plethora of college viewbooks. I have always
told my children that education is a primary value in our family and
that they should choose the school of their choice without regard to
financial issues. "If you find the right school," I have always
emphasized foolishly, "I will pay the tuition if I have to stand
outside with a bowl to beg." Well, I think it's time to do some
upper-body strengthening exercises. It looks as though I'm going to
be holding a bowl the size of the Polar ice-cap. $200,000 is no
small chunk of change.
Suddenly, as I flipped disheartened through the Sunday Times, I came
upon an interesting article. "Boolah, Boolah," blared the headline,
"for Odd Scholarship Moolah, Moolah." Now, I am particularly
sensitive to scholarship scams, and was about to pass it off as
another way for con artists to make money by preying on people's
ignorance, desperation, and dreams. Imagine my surprise when I
learned that I was reading a list of legitimate scholarship offers,
possibly the solution to the financial problems of many a boomer
scion. Of course, there were conditions and requirements for each
scholarship, but I think it only important that we impart our work
ethic to the following generations. Sure, they can buy their shirts
already tie-dyed and their clothing pre-fringed. They probably have
no idea that we literally had to create the originals in sinks and
kitchens all over America. But what's an essay or two for the
possibility of a big pay off?
In my opinion, some requirements were a bit esoteric, like the one
reserved for an applicant active or related to someone active in
harness racing. Others could even be categorized as macabre, like
the scholarship reserved for someone whose parent was killed or
disabled in a work-related construction zone accident. This was a
rather hefty scholarship, causing me to worry that some parents
might choose to enter the category voluntarily in the hopes of
making their children eligible. In the same category of belonging
to a club you wish you didn't qualify for is the scholarship offered
to an amputee or the child of an amputee who is a member of the
National Amputee Golf Association. One that might be much easier to
qualify for, if only on temporary basis, requires that the applicant
be overweight and submit an essay. Unfortunately, the sum did not
seem large enough to compensate for the costs to be incurred later
at Jenny Craig as a result of falsifying eligibility.
Another section includes scholarships for hobbyists, though the
categories certainly do span more than the wide world of sports. If you like dogs, or even if you don't, but can write a really cogent
essay on "Why People Own Dogs," you could win up to two thousand
dollars. A surfing association is offering a hefty hunk of tuition
to the student who excels in both surfing and community involvement.
The catch here is probably that these two pursuits are usually
mutually exclusive. The one person who does both will truly deserve
that scholarship. The Coleopterists Society (don't look it up yet,
you1ll ruin the surprise) is offering a scholarship to a student
planning to major in: (Surprise!) Beetles. The applicant must have
beetles as a hobby or talent and submit a proposal for a project or
activity promoting the study of beetles. I read this one carefully. It didn't say whether they had to be dead or alive.
Perhaps the most interesting extra-curricular pursuit to be rewarded
by scholarship money is touted by the American Association for Nude
Recreation. The applicant must possess the following hobby or
talent: Social nudism. I was a bit perplexed by this one. I
understand how nudism could be a hobby, but I don't quite understand
how it could be perceived as a talent. Perhaps the student applying
for this scholarship would be well directed to some of our
universities which offer clothing-optional dorms.
Finally, there are two categories where it is impossible to hoodwink
the committees. One is so incredibly specific that you must fit
precisely into two categories you must be left-handed and enrolled
in Juniata College. I suppose you could scratch out a reasonable
penmanship with your left hand even if you really are a righty, but
there are always brain scans and lie detector tests. And finally,
there is the Jefferson Davis Award. If it were only necessary to
show proof that you are a true descendant of the Confederacy,
perhaps someone might be tempted to apply for this scholarship with
less than authenticated lineage, but none but a true descendant of
Dixie could ever muster the magnolias to write the essay required
for this stipend The Significance of a Southern Heritage.
I am no longer concerned about finding the hundreds of thousands of
dollars I will need for my son's tuition. Why, just the other day,
I saw him step definitively on a beetle in the front garden. He
looked at it for at least thirty seconds before he trounced. If
that's not an activity promoting the study of beetles, I don't know
what is. And as for "Why People Own Dogs," I'm planning to bring
that up as a topic for discussion at dinner. If he says anything
truly original, I'll make sure that he applies. We still may not
make it over the top, but I'm sure there are many options left to
consider. I don't think we1d ever pass the scrutiny of the United
Daughters of the Confederacy, but there's no reason my son can't be
considered for the Harness Tracks of America Scholarship. They
require that the applicant "Must be the relative of someone who is
or was active in harness racing." How bad could it be? I'll let you
know after my first lesson.
Written by Marcia Brown Rubinstien |